Twelve Good Reasons

I’m very confused.

I have twelve good reasons why it’s good that Miss Jay is not my boyfriend.

I haven’t been here. I’ve been working on autopilot, bumping into things, dropping things, waking with a start to find that I am moving through my world. Is it the pot or the love?

I had a frown on my face the whole time in the car. Even the singing seemed to be automatic.

I came home and took off all my clothes and sang at the top of my voice. Body cold. Mind reeling.

Number one is that he is interested in someone else.

Number two is that I lie in bed with him, spooning, talking, inhaling his scent deeply and I decide that I am not curious enough to try to kiss him.

Goddamn he is smelling good. He didn’t used to. Its cos I fancy him now.

But he’s so fucked up about sex (number three) that if I ever tried anything I’d feel like I was violating him. So I don’t. I just look and smell and cuddle.

He was grumpy yesterday. But we hung out. I got wasted and we walked around Oriental Bay where there were far too many people. And they were all far too normal. We played soccer at Waitangi Park. Grownups versus kids. His kids are good. And he is a good dad. It’s the most important thing to him, to be a good dad. And he is a good dad.

Children make me really nervous. I like his kids though. Older boy tells me all about everything. Asks me questions. Younger boy smiles at me. Says my name slowly. Younger boy is an angel.

Oh! So WHAT THE FUCK! What is up with Lucas beating Dilana? Bullshit.

I knew they would make the wrong decision. I really hoped they wouldn’t, but I knew they would, cos they’re dicks. Dilana is much better off doing her own thing anyway, cos their music is totally lame.

Miss Jay and I were very upset. I said “Sometimes people choose the wrong person”. I was thinking also of Miss Jay choosing someone else instead of me. I think he knew what I was saying. Maybe. It doesn’t matter though, cos I am leaving soon (number four).

I really don’t want to leave Welly. I am completely in love with it/her. I was in denial for a while, but its starting to become a reality. Only 4 weeks left! Fuck!

I can’t stop thinking about Miss Jay. I wanted to use it as an opportunity to control my thoughts, but fuck it is hard. Shit man. And I haven’t been meditating that much lately, so I’m kinda outta practice. I need something to think about instead, but it’s hard to find something as fascinating as Miss Jay.

And he’s got so many ticks. Like, he can skate, and he has black glasses, and he dances, and he’s highly intelligent, and he likes great music, and and and… we were lying in bed and he was talking about the other girl and he said “I think it would be good for me to have a girlfriend. I need someone to tell me what to do.”

I screamed in frustration and rolled over. “Boys like you don’t exist. You can’t be real. I always thought I was too bossy and now you are telling me that there are boys that like to be told what to do? You can’t exist. You are too perfect.”

Or, like my fave song of the moment: I’m not perfect, but I’m perfect for you.

Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn! This is why I have a list of twelve good reasons why Miss Jay would be no good as my boyfriend. I need to keep thinking of them and not the ticks.

Fuck this, I’m gonna go watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

x


Listening to:
Hole – Celebrity Skin
Grace Jones – Private Life
Laurie Anderson – Mr Heartbreak
Bjork – Vespertine: Myself and Miss Jay’s favourite falling asleep music.
Bjork – Homogenic: could “Bachelorette” be any more apt?
Rolling Stones – Sticky Fingers: “Wild Horses” makes me cry every time.

*

I fell in love.

xx

Mess and Miss Jay

Hi

So, to continue the story of mess and Miss Jay: it wasn’t anything to do with that night actually. It was another night.

After work I wandered over to Miss Jay’s house. We drank beer and talked. He was really down. Ex-wife hassles. He made dinner. We wandered into town and scored some pot. We went and had a smoke with some friends of his. I met the girl he fancies. His friends were pretty cool actually. I read all of their palms – funny. Miss Jay has a very uncomplicated palm, which I found pleasantly surprising seeing as he seems so messed up.

Anyhow, Miss Jay changed his mind on me and didn’t want me to crash at his place. The girl he fancies was getting jealous or something. So I called Mr. T and crashed there.

I got up and went to work, in the same clothes I’d worn the day before. Luckily I only had a half-day.

I went home and Miko had a huge lump on his face. We went to the vet. It was an abscess and he had to go in for surgery the next day.

My sister and mother were coming up for the weekend so I gave them a call. My mother had gone into hospital. I didn’t know what was wrong.

I texted Elisa, who had called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she was sick and so wasn’t coming back to Welly on time. She was in hospital. She couldn’t move. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong with her.

So, on Thursday my mother, my flatmate and my cat were all in hospital. I was real stressed. I got sick.

Mother is fine. I couldn’t talk to her for a few days cos she was all doped up on morphine. And step-father was typically crap at communicating with me to let me know what was happening. But she’s had surgery now and is recovering.

Miko is fine. He came out of the general ok. He had a huge tube sticking out of his face for a while, but that’s been removed now.

Elisa is still bad. The doctors have done a million tests on her and they still don’t know what’s wrong. They think it’s a blood infection. In the meantime she can’t move and is in heaps of pain and is freaking cos they don’t know what’s wrong with her and she’s not getting any better. It’s awful.

So Friday I was sick as a dog. I went to the doctor. I started crying, which is fairly understandable seeing how stressed I was. The doctor forgot to give me anything for my infection and instead referred me to a counsellor. And she said some things that made me feel bad, but she’s a doctor, not a counsellor, so is bound to say the wrong thing.

I was sick all weekend. Went to work on Monday. Saw Lorry and Arlo and Golden Pony Boy briefly after work. Golden Pony Boy was being very cute, but I didn’t stay cos I was still sick.

Tuesday I was ready for a drink. I met Mr. T at the Ho and had a glass of wine. He brought me down, telling me I was being too romantic about Golden Pony Boy, and reminding me of all the reasons that men suck. I kept saying to him that I was newly hopeful about men and wanted to continue that way. I wanted to believe in boys again.

Now, the romance thing with Golden Pony Boy. He’s a cunt. I know. That’s one of the things I like about him. He’s full of shit and egotistical, but like I told Miss Jay, I like that he is fallible. Extremely fallible. Its endearing somehow. When he acts like a shithead and I hear some of the shit that gets said about him I doubt that he could have been so genuine with me. But we had an awesome time together that night and I don’t want to doubt the truth of my experiences. So, we had an awesome time, and yes, I did find it romantic, but no, it doesn’t mean that I can’t see he’s a shithead. And I hope he was being genuine with me, cos I’d hate to think that anyone could lie that well.

So, still shaky from not yet knowing if my mother’s surgery would go ok and if Elisa would be okay and newly wounded from thinking that maybe what happened with Golden Pony Boy didn’t really happen at all, we went to the opening. I saw my mate’s mother and talked to her, meeting her brother. That was quite choice. I’d heard a lot about him so it was good to meet him.

Golden Pony Boy turned up long enough to be a dick and leave with some girl.

Then Miss Jay was standing there next to me, beaming and saying “You look rather wonderful tonight.” We went and had a smoke.

Much more drinking and smoking ensued until I found my kareoke cherry being popped at Blue Note with Lorry and “Bat Outta Hell”. It was so great I promptly did “Me and Bobby McGee” with Miss Jay.

I fell in love with Miss Jay when he did “Benny and the Jets”. It was so beautiful. I told him too.

Miss Jay was deeply engrossed in the girl he fancies. I was feeling pretty messed up, which is the only excuse I have for asking Arlo to come home with me. Thankfully, he declined. The fanciful girl went home so Miss Jay said I could stay at his place.

As we got into bed I said “I promise I won’t molest you”. Miss Jay really wanted to watch porn. I told him that if he did I’d have to jump him. He turned on the porn. I jumped him. It was totally un-intimate.

Next day we were back to being friends again. But. You know.

Last night I went over. His kids were there. They’re real cute. After they went to bed we got wasted and watched “Kung Fu Hustle” and ate ice cream. I drove home.

I like Miss Jay, but he’s a mess. And he’d rather go out with that other girl. And he keeps telling me that there’s no point getting attached when I’m leaving soon. I didn’t like the sex. I found it really unhealthy. Porn-sex is so boring and hollow. It confirmed to me that what I really want is to connect with people. Porn-sex is like using someone else’s body to masturbate. Totally gross.

So that’s been my messy time. Stress, crying, sickness, drinking, smoking, singing kareoke, having bad sex: this is how I grieve.

x

Listening to:
The Coolies: The Coolies
Cortina: Control Freaks Rule the World
Iggy Pop: Lust for Life
The Donnas: Spend the Night

My new friend: Miss Jay

Hiya

Things have been crazy.

Let’s step back and take a look: I’m trying to remember the night, cos they’re all blurring into one. I think it was the night of Tao’s opening. I think that was after the night I said goodbye to Golden Pony Boy, drunk and crying outside the Blue Note. He looked me in the eye and said “You’re alright.” I said “Yeah, I’m better than that guy” and pointed to some dirty hairy bum passed out on the street next to us.

I was alright too, I was just drunk and Mr. T had been talking about how cute Golden Pony Boy was and it just drove me a bit nuts. Mr. T’s been doing that a bit lately.

But where was I? Oh yeah, I think it was Tao’s opening night. No, it was the night we went back to Mr. T’s place. The night I was wearing a low-cut top and everyone was obsessing over my breasts. Lorry buried his face right in them and shock his head, lifting me up. The other boys were really embarrassed and looked away. I laughed and said “He’s allowed to do that cos he’s gay”. Later Double D nutted off about my tits. Whatever. They’re only breasts. It interesting that they can cause such a strong reaction.

That night I met Kelly, who reminds me of my ex-husband. Hmmmm…

So, after we’d done our damage at Mr. T’s place and thoroughly fucked off Double D – grumpy old cow – me and Lorry and Miss Jay caught a cab into town. Well, me and Miss Jay went back to his place and threw Lorry out of the cab in the middle of Kent (or Cambridge?) Terrace, much to the horror of the taxi driver.

Miss Jay said “We’re not gonna have sex”, which I found to be quite a relief, cos I didn’t wanna put out just so I had somewhere to crash. We had one last smoke, climbed into his bed, farting and laughing and had cuddles until the morning. We didn’t pash or anything.

We had a great day the next day. It was sunny. Miss Jay lives in glamorous Oriental Parade and it was looking stunning as we went out to have breakfast. We ate and talked and laughed. I had a beer and Miss Jay followed suit. So we decided to get some more beers and go back to his place. Which we did. We got stoned. Miss Jay had already waked and baked, but I hadn’t counted on having a debauched day so had declined. Now with beer it was obvious I wasn’t going anywhere so I got wasted and played records.

Miss Jay and I talked a lot. He’s completely heartbroken. I found it to be such a contrast to my new hopeful, romantic, open-hearted state.

Later we went out and met Mr. T for dinner and beer. Then we wandered up to the Franny and saw Arlo. I decided to hit the road after doing the Time Warp. Miss Jay insisted on walking me to a taxi. He said, “I don’t usually hang out with pretty girls.” We hugged and I taxied home.

Shit. I haven’t even got to the messy part yet. But I gotta go, cos there’s plenty-a things to do.

Later.

Listening to:

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Show Your Bones – In an interview the drummer (I think) said that they didn’t sound like anyone else. I find them to be the opposite. They sound like so many people at once. This has the effect of making it seem comforting and disconcerting at the same time. The album has so many hints of songs that are familiar, and yet they don’t lead where you expect them too.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Fever to Tell

Bachelorette: The End of Things – My new favourite falling-asleep music.

Luke Buda: Special Surprise – have you bought it yet?

Talking Heads: any – me and Miss Jay are having a bit of a Talking Heads resurgence.