Romantic or Cynic?

Yo!

Cortina were great, of course. But you knew that already, cos you were there. Sorry, I wasn’t wearing a dress so we could rendezvous. I wasn’t in a hugely social mood anyhoo.

So, this guy’s been telling me shit about how I have issues and I’m callous and everything’s always about me (it is), but you know what? Fuck it. Who gives a shit? I mean everyone has issues.

Katie said to me once “Everybody’s fucked”. It broke my heart at the time. Like she’d given up on the entire human race, including me.

And Nikhol used to say, “Nobody owes anybody anything”. I like reminding myself of this.

But last week I was surprised to be feeling romantic. It was completely unexpected.

Romance is great, but it is a game. It’s a suspension of reality. Cos in reality everybody is fucked and nobody owes anybody anything, but sometimes it nice to pretend that people are good all the way through and will always look out for you. And what happened to all the grand gestures? What happened to the boys who would tap on my window in the middle of the night and give me whiskey soaked kisses and lead me half-asleep up volcanoes to curl up under the trees? I guess I grew up. Now boys just tell me how they’d really like to fuck me, but don’t want a relationship with me.

Yawn.

I can’t be bothered with anyone who thinks the bad stuff is not worth all the good stuff. Because it so is.

I’ve now been officially single for six years. And finally I’m starting to get bored with the whole thing.

Went to an opening at Enjoy tonight. I saw Fluffy Bunny. It was real good to see her. She filled me in on some London gossip. Everyone’s pregnant.

I was talking to Stephen who said that I was an idealist. After some discussion he said, “You’re a pragmatist”. I said, “I’m glad we’ve got my label sorted out.”

I can’t decide if I am a hopeless romantic or a cynic. Probably the former.

Later.

Listening to:
Cortina: Control Freaks Rule the World - Really fucking good. Although Bek’s added the line “dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me” to my favourite song. She does it in a death metal growl though, so I can almost forgive her.

Sleep: Jerusalem - I’ve only listened to it once, but isn’t it, like, one hour-long song?

Pavement: Brighten the Corners – good to sing first thing in the morning (so long as the flattie isn’t around). “Walk with your credit card in the air!"