Monday, September 18, 2006

Twelve Good Reasons

I’m very confused.

I have twelve good reasons why it’s good that Miss Jay is not my boyfriend.

I haven’t been here. I’ve been working on autopilot, bumping into things, dropping things, waking with a start to find that I am moving through my world. Is it the pot or the love?

I had a frown on my face the whole time in the car. Even the singing seemed to be automatic.

I came home and took off all my clothes and sang at the top of my voice. Body cold. Mind reeling.

Number one is that he is interested in someone else.

Number two is that I lie in bed with him, spooning, talking, inhaling his scent deeply and I decide that I am not curious enough to try to kiss him.

Goddamn he is smelling good. He didn’t used to. Its cos I fancy him now.

But he’s so fucked up about sex (number three) that if I ever tried anything I’d feel like I was violating him. So I don’t. I just look and smell and cuddle.

He was grumpy yesterday. But we hung out. I got wasted and we walked around Oriental Bay where there were far too many people. And they were all far too normal. We played soccer at Waitangi Park. Grownups versus kids. His kids are good. And he is a good dad. It’s the most important thing to him, to be a good dad. And he is a good dad.

Children make me really nervous. I like his kids though. Older boy tells me all about everything. Asks me questions. Younger boy smiles at me. Says my name slowly. Younger boy is an angel.

Oh! So WHAT THE FUCK! What is up with Lucas beating Dilana? Bullshit.

I knew they would make the wrong decision. I really hoped they wouldn’t, but I knew they would, cos they’re dicks. Dilana is much better off doing her own thing anyway, cos their music is totally lame.

Miss Jay and I were very upset. I said “Sometimes people choose the wrong person”. I was thinking also of Miss Jay choosing someone else instead of me. I think he knew what I was saying. Maybe. It doesn’t matter though, cos I am leaving soon (number four).

I really don’t want to leave Welly. I am completely in love with it/her. I was in denial for a while, but its starting to become a reality. Only 4 weeks left! Fuck!

I can’t stop thinking about Miss Jay. I wanted to use it as an opportunity to control my thoughts, but fuck it is hard. Shit man. And I haven’t been meditating that much lately, so I’m kinda outta practice. I need something to think about instead, but it’s hard to find something as fascinating as Miss Jay.

And he’s got so many ticks. Like, he can skate, and he has black glasses, and he dances, and he’s highly intelligent, and he likes great music, and and and… we were lying in bed and he was talking about the other girl and he said “I think it would be good for me to have a girlfriend. I need someone to tell me what to do.”

I screamed in frustration and rolled over. “Boys like you don’t exist. You can’t be real. I always thought I was too bossy and now you are telling me that there are boys that like to be told what to do? You can’t exist. You are too perfect.”

Or, like my fave song of the moment: I’m not perfect, but I’m perfect for you.

Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn! This is why I have a list of twelve good reasons why Miss Jay would be no good as my boyfriend. I need to keep thinking of them and not the ticks.

Fuck this, I’m gonna go watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

x


Listening to:
Hole – Celebrity Skin
Grace Jones – Private Life
Laurie Anderson – Mr Heartbreak
Bjork – Vespertine:
Myself and Miss Jay’s favourite falling asleep music.
Bjork – Homogenic: could “Bachelorette” be any more apt?
Rolling Stones – Sticky Fingers: “Wild Horses” makes me cry every time.

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