You're still a super hot female

Hi

I’m feeling crap. The thing about feeling crap is that things get crap and then I feel even crapper. Must bring myself out of it somehow.

Music du jour:
Gwen Stefani: Love Angel Music Baby – while listening to this I took a look at my watch and discovered that I’m still a super hot female. A Super Hot Female! Damn straight. Apparently the general consensus is that I am hot. Hot enough for people to ask Matt who I am and declaring “She’s hot”. Males and females reportedly. And hot enough for people to mention it to my face. But still I do not get laid. I must tell Matt that the next time someone says “She’s hot” he should reply “She’s single.”

I find it interesting the way Ms. Stefani talks to herself, assuming of course that it is herself she is talking to or about in “What you waiting for?”, “Hollerback girl”, etc. Calling herself a stupid ho is a bit rough, but I guess acknowledging that she is a super hot female makes up for it. She talks about her brand and sings her tag lines and I can’t help but think that this is before she creates them. That this album is a record of the process, the generation of ideas, the calling of the muses and calling for support, the vision of what will be before she actually goes ahead with the L.A.M.B label. It seems this way to me, but I don’t know if things actually happened that way round.

Instead it reinforces to me that making art about the process is valid. I should know this already, but don’t. I think things need to be planned and perfect before they actually happen. And I waste a lot of time creating the perfect plan rather than working and adapting the one I’ve got. But I’m aware of it now, so I’m getting better at actually working the plan. I have a note on my desk that says “Plan the work. Work the plan” as a reminder.

Queens of the Stone Age: Lullabies to Paralyze – oh yeah. Josh is hot, but mostly it’s a reflection from his super hot girlfriend. I showed Michaela a video of Brody’s and said “she’s great”. Michaela was like “yeah… there’s nothing wrong with her”. Which means she’s perfect, in case you didn’t get that.

Queens of the Stone Age, they have these patterns going on. These rhythmical guitar patterns. I like listening to the patterns – it’s like musical wallpaper. And I like the subtle one-offs – the riff or chord change or key change that only happens once in the song. It’s the break in the pattern. Ecstasy.

Speaking of ecstasy – I was the other day. I was talking to a couple of girls who wanted a bit more passion in their lives. To me, to be passionate about something is to experience ecstasy with that thing. I experience ecstasy all over the place. I told them how looking at a painting can send me into a rapture where time and space do not exist and I am pure being. They had no idea what I was talking about.

I used to have no faith that mainstream people could experience the depth of feeling that I could. Then I decided I was being conceited and of course other people can experience moments of bliss, ecstasy, love and awe. After talking to these girls I am not so sure again.

The other day, walking home I backtracked so I could stand still with my eyes closed and my face close to some wood board, so I could breathe in the fresh-cut wood smell.

Walking back from school I stopped and looked up until I saw the tui that was singing. I listened and watched. Tuis are great. Especially when you’ve been overseas for a while.

I often stop in the street to look or listen or feel or smell. I don’t see many other people doing the same so maybe its not completely normal. Fuck normal.